Your writing, like always, is brutal in its honesty, lyrical in its structure, and deeply aware of its own contradictions, which makes it all the more powerful.
The metaphor of life as a self-scripted film is both devastating and liberating. We cast people in roles they never auditioned for, and then punish them for fumbling lines they never agreed to read. That realisation alone should be enough to dismantle the grievance-built cage — but, of course, it isn’t. Forgiveness, as you so precisely state, is not some glorious, self-satisfying act of sainthood. It’s silent. Anti-climactic. Almost nauseating in its lack of reward. And yet, necessary.
The passage about carrying the keys to your own escape, yet pretending not to have them, might be one of the most poignant descriptions of self-imposed suffering I’ve read in a long time. We clutch our pain with a kind of stubborn loyalty, unwilling to admit that its release is entirely in our control. But maybe the most striking line of all: “My goal was never to feel good apparently. It was always to feel more.” That’s the ethos of every true artist, thinker, and seeker — someone who’d rather live in the discomfort of reality than numb themselves with the cheap relief of delusion.
If there’s one thing I’d add, it’s this: forgiveness isn’t just the key to leaving the set — it’s the key to realising there was never a set to begin with. No script. No premiere. Just people, stumbling through their own unrehearsed existence, hoping they don’t forget their lines in a film they’re also trying to direct…
How I lavish in the opportunity to talk with such incredibly thoughtful individuals like yourself, truly this is amazing stuff to hear and I feel like a millionaire just to have this opportunity.
I love how you highlight the never-ending paradox of the "metaphor of life". A self-scripted film, in which even our most virtuous decisions end up being part of the plot. That's precisely why forgiveness - most notably accepting an apology that was never given - is inherently incompatible with the metaphorical film we act in. It makes no sense, and yet you must do it because it's the right thing to do. Simple as that.
Similarly, I am so happy to hear the self-imposed loyalty to suffering resonated with you. It's a very important moment of reflection on my part as well! Publishing this piece was driven by a need to hold myself accountable on a public stage, for the forgiveness I would like to cultivate in my own life towards people and situations that did me wrong. If I have an intention to break free from the self-imposed shackles, then I must forgive. There must come a space beyond the script I followed with such relentless loyalty.
Your final comments couldn't be truer. The grandest joke of all is that none of us ever had a script, and there never was a movie. Just unrehearsed existence. What a beautiful way to put it. Thank you as always, I anticipate your sentiments a lot.
Every time I read you, I feel like I’m stepping into a conversation that stretches the mind in ways both thrilling and necessary — I look forward to it too.
Perhaps the greatest paradox is the liberation only comes when we abandon the need for a resolution, stepping off the stage into the vast, unwritten space beyond.
I ALSO would say that his passage of self-imposed suffering is one of the most poignant I’ve ever read as well. Love how much you also resonate with these pieces, Tamara!!!!!!
Thank you so much for being here! This is nothing without those who receive it. I’m honored that you spared a few minutes of your day to share this moment with me. <3
“ I have to because I must leave. I really must leave this time, but my God, the world beyond my script is so vast and untethered. I don’t know my lines, and there’s no one to ask when I’m expected on set. Is my travel compensated? Lunch covered? I think I’ll just come in guns blazing and hope we’re not filming a tragedy. What am I meant to make the audience feel? What do I feel? I just know who the director is, that’s about it.”
This was my favorite part. I thought the director sentence was fascinating because I at first was like “is he talking about knowing himself? or is he talking about knowing God, as the ultimate director of our lives?” which I think it could be both but I would be curious to see if it was both or one or the other 🥲 also, am curious if you take all the photos you share with your essays as well??????? thank you for writing!!
I absolutely love that you brought this up, as I was also very curious about how it was received! The director in my intention was God, I'm just the protagonist, but this doesn't necessarily negate a degree of certain human agency I have to make decisions. It's more a matter of whether I am capable of making decisions that are not nurtured by some character-building lore I inherited through media and experience. Metaphorically speaking, if the script you were following until today is no longer relevant to your life, what do you do? Find a new script? There is no new script. Write a new one? Sure I guess, how does one start? You start by taking just one step into the abyss, the rest will follow.
As for the photos, I don't take all of them! I do take some of them, and attribute the rest to the rightful authors where I can. Although some of these images are very obscure and even a reverse image search doesn't help me in finding the author haha.
Ooo yay! Thanks for answering my questions & for giving me a peek into your brain/writing process! InSANE to think about “if the script you were following until today is no longer relevant to your life, what do you do?” what an insane question - thank you for putting it in my brain!!!!!!!!! And the photos go so perfectly with every piece, in awe of you & your genius!
But in some ways better than Christmas because everyone knows the gifts you get there because you celebrate with family etc which isn’t bad but I feel your art is this secret hidden gem in my life that I get to cherish for myself & look forward to finding and discovering new things every time you post!!!!!!! It’s so fun for me.
Saved this till the end of day so I had something to look forward to before cozying up in bed and falling asleep and I am SO GLAD I DID WOW WHAT A WAY TO END MY NIGHT/DAY *CHEFS KISS* HOLY COW AKIF
Thank you so much Clare, it means a lot that you spared a few minutes of your day to share this with me. I’m happy you’re here, don’t be a stranger. <3
“The iron bars were rusted with imprints of my calloused palms, nothing more than an elaborate performance of escape tailored to a nonexistent audience” the imagery in here, i could feel the pain of being trapped all whilst reading and i myself, like you ,having the keys in my back pocket too.
Only then, can you shed the Weight of anger and resentment, the fuel of vengeful thoughts, the dread of future encounters, that are crushing your ability to love others, And yourself…
It still hurts… Choose.
It can take time… Choose.
AAAAAARGH! Shitfuckdammit!!!!!
Look for lessons you can learn from the experience.
It makes healing faster.
It doesn’t mean you have to hang out with them. It just means that you’ve learned some things. Even though painful, lessons make your life better.
Lastly… and often the hardest thing… is to choose!
Your writing, like always, is brutal in its honesty, lyrical in its structure, and deeply aware of its own contradictions, which makes it all the more powerful.
The metaphor of life as a self-scripted film is both devastating and liberating. We cast people in roles they never auditioned for, and then punish them for fumbling lines they never agreed to read. That realisation alone should be enough to dismantle the grievance-built cage — but, of course, it isn’t. Forgiveness, as you so precisely state, is not some glorious, self-satisfying act of sainthood. It’s silent. Anti-climactic. Almost nauseating in its lack of reward. And yet, necessary.
The passage about carrying the keys to your own escape, yet pretending not to have them, might be one of the most poignant descriptions of self-imposed suffering I’ve read in a long time. We clutch our pain with a kind of stubborn loyalty, unwilling to admit that its release is entirely in our control. But maybe the most striking line of all: “My goal was never to feel good apparently. It was always to feel more.” That’s the ethos of every true artist, thinker, and seeker — someone who’d rather live in the discomfort of reality than numb themselves with the cheap relief of delusion.
If there’s one thing I’d add, it’s this: forgiveness isn’t just the key to leaving the set — it’s the key to realising there was never a set to begin with. No script. No premiere. Just people, stumbling through their own unrehearsed existence, hoping they don’t forget their lines in a film they’re also trying to direct…
How I lavish in the opportunity to talk with such incredibly thoughtful individuals like yourself, truly this is amazing stuff to hear and I feel like a millionaire just to have this opportunity.
I love how you highlight the never-ending paradox of the "metaphor of life". A self-scripted film, in which even our most virtuous decisions end up being part of the plot. That's precisely why forgiveness - most notably accepting an apology that was never given - is inherently incompatible with the metaphorical film we act in. It makes no sense, and yet you must do it because it's the right thing to do. Simple as that.
Similarly, I am so happy to hear the self-imposed loyalty to suffering resonated with you. It's a very important moment of reflection on my part as well! Publishing this piece was driven by a need to hold myself accountable on a public stage, for the forgiveness I would like to cultivate in my own life towards people and situations that did me wrong. If I have an intention to break free from the self-imposed shackles, then I must forgive. There must come a space beyond the script I followed with such relentless loyalty.
Your final comments couldn't be truer. The grandest joke of all is that none of us ever had a script, and there never was a movie. Just unrehearsed existence. What a beautiful way to put it. Thank you as always, I anticipate your sentiments a lot.
Every time I read you, I feel like I’m stepping into a conversation that stretches the mind in ways both thrilling and necessary — I look forward to it too.
Perhaps the greatest paradox is the liberation only comes when we abandon the need for a resolution, stepping off the stage into the vast, unwritten space beyond.
Thank you, Akif!
I ALSO would say that his passage of self-imposed suffering is one of the most poignant I’ve ever read as well. Love how much you also resonate with these pieces, Tamara!!!!!!
This 3 minute read singlehandedly broke through my writers block. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for being you. The impact that alone has had on my life is massive.
Your writing is so evocative and meaningful I can't do anything but marvel at the fact that I'm able to read you. Thank you so much for sharing 🤍
Thank you so much for being here! This is nothing without those who receive it. I’m honored that you spared a few minutes of your day to share this moment with me. <3
Just found your work and subscribed. Love this piece and the call to embrace forgiveness and humanity.
Thank you so much for your kind words Bryon, I’m very happy to know you could’ve shared this sentiment with me. Hope to see you around more often!
the last two lines are truly amazing, and forgiveness is hard but necessary, thank you for this piece.
It’s my absolute pleasure Cally, thank you for being here.
“ I have to because I must leave. I really must leave this time, but my God, the world beyond my script is so vast and untethered. I don’t know my lines, and there’s no one to ask when I’m expected on set. Is my travel compensated? Lunch covered? I think I’ll just come in guns blazing and hope we’re not filming a tragedy. What am I meant to make the audience feel? What do I feel? I just know who the director is, that’s about it.”
This was my favorite part. I thought the director sentence was fascinating because I at first was like “is he talking about knowing himself? or is he talking about knowing God, as the ultimate director of our lives?” which I think it could be both but I would be curious to see if it was both or one or the other 🥲 also, am curious if you take all the photos you share with your essays as well??????? thank you for writing!!
I absolutely love that you brought this up, as I was also very curious about how it was received! The director in my intention was God, I'm just the protagonist, but this doesn't necessarily negate a degree of certain human agency I have to make decisions. It's more a matter of whether I am capable of making decisions that are not nurtured by some character-building lore I inherited through media and experience. Metaphorically speaking, if the script you were following until today is no longer relevant to your life, what do you do? Find a new script? There is no new script. Write a new one? Sure I guess, how does one start? You start by taking just one step into the abyss, the rest will follow.
As for the photos, I don't take all of them! I do take some of them, and attribute the rest to the rightful authors where I can. Although some of these images are very obscure and even a reverse image search doesn't help me in finding the author haha.
Ooo yay! Thanks for answering my questions & for giving me a peek into your brain/writing process! InSANE to think about “if the script you were following until today is no longer relevant to your life, what do you do?” what an insane question - thank you for putting it in my brain!!!!!!!!! And the photos go so perfectly with every piece, in awe of you & your genius!
But in some ways better than Christmas because everyone knows the gifts you get there because you celebrate with family etc which isn’t bad but I feel your art is this secret hidden gem in my life that I get to cherish for myself & look forward to finding and discovering new things every time you post!!!!!!! It’s so fun for me.
I legitimately am so happy every time I open this app and you are there it feels like Christmas
Saved this till the end of day so I had something to look forward to before cozying up in bed and falling asleep and I am SO GLAD I DID WOW WHAT A WAY TO END MY NIGHT/DAY *CHEFS KISS* HOLY COW AKIF
Thank you, Hannah! Wow, this means the world, I’m so glad it resonated with you.
Wow. This is stunning. I relate to so much of it I don’t even know where to begin. Thank you, I look forward to reading more of your work.
Thank you so much Clare, it means a lot that you spared a few minutes of your day to share this with me. I’m happy you’re here, don’t be a stranger. <3
“The iron bars were rusted with imprints of my calloused palms, nothing more than an elaborate performance of escape tailored to a nonexistent audience” the imagery in here, i could feel the pain of being trapped all whilst reading and i myself, like you ,having the keys in my back pocket too.
brilliant Akif!!
Wow! That’s Awesome! For me, it was this-
Forgiveness does NOT relieve the burden of guilt.
To forgive is to agree to NO RETRIBUTION. Choose.
Only then, can you shed the Weight of anger and resentment, the fuel of vengeful thoughts, the dread of future encounters, that are crushing your ability to love others, And yourself…
It still hurts… Choose.
It can take time… Choose.
AAAAAARGH! Shitfuckdammit!!!!!
Look for lessons you can learn from the experience.
It makes healing faster.
It doesn’t mean you have to hang out with them. It just means that you’ve learned some things. Even though painful, lessons make your life better.
Lastly… and often the hardest thing… is to choose!
Choose to forgive.
Choose to get rid of the anger.
Choose to Love again. After all…
Loving is the Best part!
Choose!
Daniel R Douglass 7/12/24